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A good friend of mine sent me this cute little story. Three older ladies
were discussing the travails of getting older. One said "Sometimes
I
catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the
refrigerator, and can't remember whether I
need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up, or on
my
way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told
them,
"That must be the door. I'll get it."
Wedding Story ( As only a child could do...)
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd
(alternating
between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd,
he
would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step,
step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can
imagine, the crowd
was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the
front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the
front. .
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I
was being the
Ring Bear..."
(return
to Contents)
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes
are on
the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow
and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."
(return
to Contents)
A mother and her young son returned from the
grocery store and
began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box
of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother
asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the
boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
(return
to Contents)
A father was reading Bible stories to his young
son. He read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee
from the city, but
his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked,
"What happened to
the flea?" (return
to Contents)
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She
was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said "And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail.
AMEN"
(return
to Contents)
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
and Ryan,
3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If
Jesus were sitting here,
He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I
can wait.'" Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY
big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by
professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the storm
outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.
If College Students Wrote the Bible...
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five-- double-spaced and
written in a
large font.
New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs: finals, not Armageddon.
Out go the mules; in come the mountain bikes.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they
didn't want to
ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have
put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are
going to have a
special "No Excuse Sunday." Cots will be placed in the foyer for those
who say, "Sunday
is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge
chairs for those
who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for
those with tired eyes
from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for
those who say, "The
roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished
for those who
think church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be
available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives
and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We
will distribute
"Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that the church
is always asking for
money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who
like to seek God in
nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan
to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and
Easter lilies for those
who never have seen church without them. We will provide hearing aids
for those who
can't hear the preacher and cotton for those who can.
--Joyful Noiseletter
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid
of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to
a
conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water ... The sermon
tonight:
Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help
they can get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary
gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks
of
the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine.
Name:
Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the
way from Africa."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes
Meals.
"Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
After a few years of marriage, filled with
constant arguments, a man and his wife decide that the only way to
save
their marriage is to try therapy. When they arrived at
the therapist's
office, the therapist jumped right in "what seems to be the problem?"
Immediately , the husband looked down without anything to say and the
wife started talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within
her husband. After 15 minutes, the therapist went over
to her, picked
her up and kissed her passionately. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.
He looked at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what just
happened. The therapist said "your wife NEEDS that at least 2 times
a
week!" The husband scratched his head and said, "I
can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays"
A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She
had just come back from a far away land trying to find
adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed
a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with
exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken
head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and
screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich
Doctor!"
- Submitted by Gail Frank
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was
covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of
it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so
the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died
in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9 o' clock
or the 11 o' clock?"
The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before
spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy
another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his
purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day
with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer
agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule
dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have
to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring
garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim
refused because a bargain was a bargain. He loaded the
dead mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later, the mule dealer happened to drive
by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his
garden on a new $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn,
he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had
managed to buy a tractor when, not too long ago, all he had
was the $125 that he'd spent on the dead mule.
"Well," Jim explained, "after leaving with the mule, I had this
idea. So, I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000
$2 raffle tickets printed up. 'Grand prize: Gardening
Equipment.' I sold all the raffle tickets to people around
town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment
from Jim?
"From you..."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you..."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that
really ticked them off when they realized the mule was dead."
"Nope, not really ... the only one really ticked off was the
winner, so I gave him his money back."
A police officer in Dayton, Ohio was patrolling Route 22 when
a car full of
very old people crept by. On radar, the Officer noticed the car was
traveling
at 22 miles an hour - in a 50 mile an hour zone. So he put on the blue
lights
and pulled them over.
Inside the car there was a very elderly lady behind the wheel, and three
very
frightened- looking elderly people in the back seat. As he approached
the
driver's side door, the power window zipped down and this lovely little
lady
very nervously asked, "Was I going too fast, officer?"
Well, he could hardly contain himself. But being a highly trained police
professional, he stifled his urge to giggle and said, "No Ma'am, as
a matter of
fact, you were going too slow. I clocked you at 22 miles an hour in
a 50 mile
an hour zone."
"But the speed limit sign said '22", the lady protested.
"No ma'am," answered the officer very politely. "The speed limit sign
says
'50'. The sign you saw was the highway sign for Route 22."
Well, the little elderly lady was terribly embarrassed, and the officer
decided
to just give her a warning. But as he walked away from the car, he
again
noticed the three elderly people sitting in the back seat. They looked
terrified.
"Ma'am?" he asked. "May I ask what's wrong with the people in the back
seat?"
To which she replied, "I have no idea WHAT'S wrong with them,"
"They've
been that way ever since we got off Route 119!"
as told by Ron Gabbard
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks
and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys
to a
new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the
loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to
have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely,
but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would
you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two
weeks for 15 bucks?"
A Poem for Parents
Author Unknown
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!
(God's Frozen People)
The Luke Warm Church announces publication of "Church Songs,"
whose
title, according to the editor, was chosen because "We didn't
want to
turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands
anymore like 'worship' or 'hymn.' People in today's society get
kind
of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment
and
dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can
turn on
or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need."
Sample contents:
* A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
* Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
* Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
* Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
* All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
* My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
* Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
* My Faith Looks Around for Thee
* Be Thou My Hobby
* O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
* Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
* Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
* He's Quite a Bit to Me
* Oh, How I Like Jesus
* I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
* Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
* I Surrender Some
* Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
* I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
* Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
* Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
* Special, Special, Special
* Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
* Stick Nearby, It's Getting Dark Outside
* Take My Life and Let Me Be
* There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
* There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
* What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
* When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
* When the Saints Go Sneaking In
* Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
* God of Taste, and God of Stories
* Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped
by the
pharmacy
to get
some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found
that
she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get
home to
her
sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her
home and
told
the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what
to
do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open
the
door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that
had
been
thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who
at some time
or
other
had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
and
said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed
her head and
asked God
to
send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car
pulled up,
with a
dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull
rag on
his
head. The woman thought, "Great God! This is what you sent
to help
me????"
But,
she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She
said
"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get
her some medication
and
I
locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please,
can you use
this
hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less
than one
minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her
tears
she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got
out of
prison today. I was in prison for car theft
and have only been out
for
about an
hour .
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud.....
THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
Every year, Stumpy and his wife Martha went
to the State Fair.
And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride
in
that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply,
"I
know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten
dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the
fair and Stumpy
said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane
ride costs ten
dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet
for
the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but
if
you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha
agreed,
and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive,
pulling
up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They
land and
the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something
when Martha
fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
A preacher went to his church office on
Monday morning and discovered a dead
jackass in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul
play, the police referred the preacher to
the health department. They said since
there was no health threat that he should
call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not
pick up the mule without authorization from
the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was
not to eager to call him. The mayor had a
bad temper and was generally hard to deal
with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately
began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally
said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it
your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and
asked the Lord to direct his response. He was
led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the
dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin
first!"
"When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old
sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes
out. I
stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love
to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit
and
freshly ground, brewed coffee.'
I said: 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said: 'he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and
then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I said: 'Well so why are you crying?'
She said: 'For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
desert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am.'
I said: 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said: 'I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!' "
A new elementary school teacher was trying to make
use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying,
"Everyone
who thinks you're
stupid,
stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you
think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there
all
by yourself!"
*******************************************
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on
her
face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who
then began removing the
cream
with a tissue.
What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving
up?"
*******************************************
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't
paying attention in
class. She
called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and
4
and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and
the Cartoon Network!"
*******************************************
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created
everything,
including
human
beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed
especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out
of
one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down
as though he were
ill and
said, "Johnny, what is the matter with you?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.
I think I'm going to
have
a
wife."
*******************************************
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field
trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures, tacked to a
bulletin board, of the 10
Most
Wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed
to a
picture and asked
if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when
you took his
picture?"
Misunderstanding
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the
first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a
whole lot of what was
going on. Intending to visit one of the local
churches, he got lost, but
eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having arrived late, the church was already packed.
The only pew left was
the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to
pick someone out of the
crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the
front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands,
so the missionary
recruit clapped too.
When the man stood up to pray, the missionary
recruit stood up too. When
the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's
Supper, he held the
cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit
didn't understand a
thing. He just sat there and tried to look just
like that man in the
front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving
announcements. People
clapped, so he looked to see if the man was
clapping. He was, and so the
recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't
understand and he saw the
man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A
few people gasped. He
looked around and saw that nobody else was standing.
So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the
door shaking the hands
of those who were leaving. When the missionary
recruit stretched out his
hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in
English: "I take it you
don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's
that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the
Acosta family had a
newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up."
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated
next to each
other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer
asks if
she would like to play a fun game? The blonde,
tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines
and
rolls over to the window to catch
a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains
that the game
is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know
the answer, you
pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you
$500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring
there will be no end to this torment unless
she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The
blond
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out
a $5.00 bill and hands it to the
lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes
up a hill with
three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out
his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no
answer. He taps into the air
phone with his modem and
searches the net and the Library of
Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde,
and hands
her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank
you," and turns back to get some more
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than
a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches
into her
purse, hands the lawyer
$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Little Tim, the neighborhood delinquent, was in
the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What happening there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without
looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor felt guilty for prejudging the child
and said, "I'm really sorry, Tim." and added, " My
an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your @#%&*#@ cat.
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's suit!"
One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
out, we stopped to chat with our friends.
My wife said "the pastor's sermon was really bad today."
"Boring too!" remarked one of our gathered friends.
"The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time" I
remarked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted in and said
come on, Pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really
hungry", said the first
one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly
down and
find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice
plot of
plowed ground full of
worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til
they could
eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly
back up to
the tree", said the first
one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask
in the
warm sun", said the
second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped
down,
basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep,
a big fat
tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing
his face
after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember
how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head
and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
COLD LESSONS
Another Parrot Joke
A guy named David received
a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every other
word was an expletive. Those that weren't
expletives were, to say the least, rude. David
tried hard to change the
bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and
set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled
at the bird and the bird yelled back. He
shook
the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude. Finally,
in a moment of desperation, David put
the
parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard
the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound
for half a minute.
David was frightened that
he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said, "I believe I may
have
offended you with my rude language and
actions. I will endeavor
at once to correct my behavior. I really am
truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the
bird's change in attitude and was about
to
ask what had made such a dramatic
change when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
January 3, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation
Pay
Our records indicate
that you have not used any vacation time over
the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3
weeks
of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time
off. One additional week
is
granted for every 5 years of Service.
Please either
take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and
your
next pay check will reflect payment
of $8,277,432.22 which will
include
all
pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll
Processing
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter,
woke up ready to
go
bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to
the kitchen to
get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds
his wife, Alice,
sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly
decides to take her along. Later they arrive at
the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her: "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll
come running back
as
soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing
that Alice
couldn't
bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes
pass when he is
startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets
closer to her
stand,
he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming
wife. And again
he
hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed
by another volley
of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife,
Jake is surprised
to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The
cowboy, obviously
distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have
your deer! Just
let me get my saddle off it!"
Most of us have gone job hunting at one
time or another and have put together a
resume. A good resume tells the prospective
employer something about us. A bad resume
does the same thing, only it's probably not
quite the message we want to send. The good
folks at Fortune Magazine snipped some bits
from resumes and cover letters that weren't
quite up to snuff. Enjoy
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with
my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor
and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with
people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over
my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in
no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever
forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she
decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried.
Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record,
although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all
costs...Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid,
trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But
since I possess no training in meterology,
I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the
task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of
analyzing investments."
19. "Personal interests: donating blood.
Fourteen gallons so far."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation
for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my
14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit
a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted
that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every
morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just
like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: None. I've left a path of
destruction behind me."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During
that experience she sees God and ask if her time is up.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and
have a
face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc.
She
even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures
since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most
of it.
She
walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is
killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front
of
God and
complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years."
God replies, "I didn't recognize you.
Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa
calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends
and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices
that
Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out
two
bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten
and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells
him
that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs
the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was
a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and
keep
it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and
upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb
Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on
and on
showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the
ten
over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy.
Daddy's
quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers
Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks
dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have
chosen
the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have
played
the game fifteen more times?"
Traveling Salesman
Exhausted from driving the traveling salesman stopped
in this one town,
and pulled over to get an hour or two of sleep. But, as
luck would have it,
the quiet place he chose happened to be one of the streets that
the majority
of the towns people used to take their daily run.
The salesman had barely pulled over, and gotten
comfortable when a jogger
was knocking on his window, asking, "Excuse me, but do you have
the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just dozing
off when there was another
knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir,
do you have the
time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. But now the
man could see other joggers
passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another
one would
be disturbed him. Hoping to solve his problem he took
out a pen and paper
and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Again he settled back to sleep, and was just dozing
off when there was
another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
Loch Ness
Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing
when
suddenly
the Loch Ness monster attacked his boat.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and
his
boat at least
a hundred feet into the air.It then opened
its
mouth,
waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started
to
fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast,
he
cried out,
"Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and, as
the
atheist hung
in midair, a booming voice came out of the
clouds
and said,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded,
"Just
seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch
Ness
monster
either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer
you
must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch
you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster,
but I
can change
hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute, then says,
"God,
please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You,
also."
God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again, with the
atheist
falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster.
The
Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says,
"Lord,
bless this
food You have so graciously provided....."
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks
into the pub
and
promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
eyebrows, but
serves
the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour
later
the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens
yet
again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks
three beers at a
time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering
about the "Man
Who
Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches
the
subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but
folks around
here
are wondering why you always order three beers"? "'Tis odd,
isn't it?" the
man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to
America, and
the
other to Australia. We promised each other that
we would always order an
extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping
up the family
bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with
this answer, and
soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity
and source
of
pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners
would come
to
watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in
and orders only two
beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues
for the rest
of
the evening: he orders only two beers. The word
flies around town.
Prayers
are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next
day, the
bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all,
want to
offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the
two beers
and
all....The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy
to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that
I, meself,
have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for
two of the three
I have
They are evil
It's only fair that, since they are minors and no
longer
my responsibility, the government should know something
about them and
Please do not try to reassign them to me next
They are yours!
I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions
While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
to
Taxes should be a
breeze.
I think it's wonderful that you will
now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull
that over,
keep in
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have
the
choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds
to fix the
Kristen also has a
boyfriend.
Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe,
her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally
remind her of the
virtues
This is
always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this
May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders
who had
a rather good handle on the problem.
His eyes are a
He may be a tax examiner
In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing
In the future, would you
Kids at 14 will
His hair is purple.
Learn to deal with
it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days
of school
I'll take care of filing your
phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all
of his friends
This is the house of testosterone and it will be
much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave
him or his friends
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles,
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
Be
sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
She slid through a time warp and appeared as if
by
She is 10 going on 21. She
She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading
courses.
"" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's
You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction
It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents She cannot speak
English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys
in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/political double speak. The
school sends her to
a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added
a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards,
baggy pants,
and wants one of her ears There is a fascination
with tattoos that
worries me, Bring a truck when you come to
get her, "" in her room and
I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing
than find out
what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair
that you get
I prefer that you take the youngest two,
If
you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling
before
Heather
If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so
Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased
the
withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down
payment on
an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his
refund.)
